The marriage bed: if the phrase seems a bit arcane, the concept is still very important. Of course increasingly in our culture the concept too seems a bit outdated. The author of Hebrews wrote, “Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous” (13:4). Though some will contest it, that phrase has relevance for us today and how we live out that verse has specific application for you and your spouse or future spouse today. How do we honor marriage and keep the marriage bed undefiled? I believe there are four simple keys to this task: (1) Marital friendship; (2) Romance; (3) Sacrificial giving; and (4) Excitement.
One of the saddest realities of so many marriages today is that husband and wife are not friends. I’ve sat with plenty of couples, even in my short time as a pastor, to see this reality played out. A couples starts out as friends but slowly over the course of time they begin to take each other for granted and their friendship dies. But marriage requires an intentional pursuit of friendship between spouses. One of the best parts of Mark Driscoll’s latest book on sex and marriage was his chapter on friendship. ““Marriage is about friendship,” Mark and his wife write. “All the talk about spending time and doing life together, making memories, being a good listener, growing old and taking care of each other, being honest, having the long view of things, repenting and forgiving can be summed up in one word – friendship” (23). Your sex life, indeed your whole married life, will never be all that it can be if you’re not friends. Tim Keller defines friendship love within marriage as follows: Friendship is above all a relationship in which it is safe to share fears, hurts, and weaknesses – an emotional refuge” (The Meaning of Marriage, 159). If you don’t think that this has anything to do with sex you are, I am afraid to say, simply clueless, friend. Because sex is a deeply intimate act it connects to all those other emotions: fear, hurt, grief, joy, etc. Being an emotional refuge in all those areas will make sex more wonderful. Furthermore, working hard to be good friends safe-guards your marriage from simply being about sex (or anything else for that matter: kids, jobs, money, etc.). You want good and meaningful sex, then be good friends with your spouse.
C.J. Mahaney in his little book Sex, Romance, and the Glory of God challenges all men to touch their wives mentally and emotionally before touching them physically. “Before you touch her body, touch her heart and mind,” Mahanyey writes. It’s an important call to be romantic. It’s clear to everyone that men and women, generally speaking, think of sex differently. Men are, quite frankly, aroused easily by sight. Most of the time it is not the sight that turns women on, she needs an emotional connection. You’ll forgive me if that is a bit of a stereotypical generalization. If it is true, however, what this means is that to engage a woman in sex men need to do more than simply show up at home and announce we are ready for sex. Planned romance is important for making the sexual act more than just a quick burst of physical exertion to satisfy a desire. Romance is important because it connects us more than just bodily. It puts the sexual act within the confines of meaningful relationship. Of course I recognize that there are times where romance may take a back seat to immediacy of engagement (this is especially true when you have kids…you take what you can get when you can get it), but as a general rule romance should not be pushed aside.
The third principle in having a healthy and undefiled sexual relationship in marriage is perhaps the hardest one to practice consistently. Sacrificial giving in sex means that we are focused on satisfying our spouse and not ourselves. This is difficult because, as anyone who has had sex can testify, it’s hard not to just follow the urges of the moment within sex. But healthy, Biblical, sex focused first and foremost on what my spouse needs and wants. This kind of sex puts my spouse first, seeks to serve and not simply take. When both spouses are operating under this premise both can be satisfied. When one spouse is simply trying to get what they want, fulfill their needs, then someone is almost always going to be dissatisfied.
Finally, I think a level of excitement about sex should exist within marriage. When I was a young guy engaged to my wife plenty of married men told me that I shouldn’t get too excited about sex. Eventually it goes away, they’d say. It’s reserved for birthdays and anniversaries. I wasn’t sure what to make of those comments. There is certainly a sense in which your sex life changes as your mature in marriage, but to think that it only happens infrequently and doesn’t draw much excitement makes me sad for those men. That’s not the ways sex in marriage should be. Paul writes that sex within marriage should not be neglected. He says:
Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. (1 Corinthians 7:5)
Sex should be a regular part of married life. And it should be exciting and fun. There are any number of ways in which you can continue to enjoy sex with your spouse. Avoid getting stuck in ruts and routines. Avoid thinking of sex as some mere duty, but be excited about each other. The Song of Solomon explores sex and intimacy in very vivid and exciting ways. It’s not a sex manual, but it definitely exposes Christians to the world of freedom and fun within marital bliss. Read it together and find pleasure and freedom within the bounds of Biblical sexual intimacy. Exciting sex is an important part of a healthy marriage. It’s not the most important part, but it does matter.
Honoring marriage and safe-guarding the marriage bend involve lots of intentional planning, Biblical thinking, and commitment. But it is worth it. For a good sex life produces joy and aids a marriage in enduring the hardships of life together.
Sparrow & Heart Soul Care 