People choose partners based on some of the most asinine reasons. Guys date a girl simply because she is “hot,” and girls date a guy…actually I am not sure why girls date some of the guys they do. Everyone knows that one guy or girl who has a record of poor dating choices. Our standards for choosing a partner are often ridiculous. It’s not that “makes me laugh,” “has a nice smile,” or “wants to be a doctor” are completely irrelevant in choosing a partner. But if that is the primary standard for choosing a partner then we will find ourselves most likely in a dating mess. So how should we determine who we date? What follows are a series of questions to consider as you seek for a mate who will help you grow in godliness and be a great companion.
Is this person a growing Christian? If you are a follower of Christ then the person you invest in for a dating relationship must, above all other things, be a growing Christian. 2 Corinthians 6:14-16 warns believers that they should not be “unequally yoked.” The picture here is one of two oxen yoked together and pulling the plow. But there is a funny problem. One ox is big and strong and moving in one direction and the other is small and weak and moving in a different direction. You can quickly see how difficult progress would be in this relationship. Often I hear of young men and women who enter into dating relationships in order to convert them. Evangelistic dating is never a good idea. Not only does it violate Scripture, but more often than not it will lead to Christians declining in their own growth, instead of non-Christians coming to Christ.
Are they interested in helping me grow in godliness? Sadly it is not enough to find a partner who simply professes to be a Christian. We want to spend our time specifically with someone who has taken a special interest in our own spiritual growth and development. Dating is not marriage, but it is preparation for marriage. Who a person is in a dating relationship will tell us something of what they will most likely be in marriage. Women should look for men who will read the Bible with them, pray with them, and pray for them. Men want a woman who will do the same. A partner who isn’t interested in holding you accountable, helping you grow, and seeking to grow themselves for your benefit isn’t a partner worth your time.
Are we compatible? It’s important to understand compatibility as more than just sharing hobbies and interests. That can be valuable, but more important are matters of values, goals, and strategies for life. Do you have the same views about life, love, children, parenting, the church, etc. Of course you won’t know this information immediately, but you want to spend time investing in one another and discerning these things. Compatibility is important in these areas, and I doubt if many relationships can endure dissimilarity around these things long-term.
Finally, do I have affection for this person that outweighs my affections for others? This is not a question about how you feel 24/7 about the other person. Emotions will wax and wane. But there should be a general reality of deeper affection for this person. Why, after all, out of all the people you know have you taken an interest to date this person? If you can’t answer that question with a confident assertion of your affection for them above that of others, there may be problems.
These aren’t a fail-proof test for discerning who you should date. And there are undoubtedly other questions to ask that I haven’t thought of. But we all need to make sure that our standard of evaluation for relationships is Biblically oriented, and focuses on the more meaningful matters. I remember a student I had a number of years ago who determined who she would date based upon what kind of shoes a guy had on. That’s absurd! And while most of us know that, I am not sure our standards for choosing a partner are that much more significant.
Pastor Dave Online 