Walking with a loved one who is struggling with suicidal thoughts is a tremendous burden. We feel helpless and hopeless to do anything. More often than not we feel utter overwhelmed and confused, not knowing what to do or where to begin in offering support and help. Stacey Freedenthal seeks to help us resolve some of that tension. Her book is a practical guide for empowering the reader to walk well with their loved one.
Freedenthal is a recognized expert in the field of suicidoloy. She serves as a psychotherapist and consultant in a private practice, and is an associate professor in the School of Social Work at the University of Denver Graduate School. She does not write from a Christian perspective in her work and so there is much more that I, as a Biblical Counselor, will want to add to her insights to give a solid and firm foundation for hope. Yet, her practical suggestions are so useful and important. We can thank God for these insights and I commend them to you as you seek to help those who are struggling.
The book is written with friends and family in mind. It is a guide for them to use as they seek to understand suicidal ideation, love the one who is struggling, and navigate a relationship with them. The book’s twelve chapters cover specific topics that serve to build the framework for a relationship with a sufferer of suicidal thoughts.
The book genuinely guides readers through key details in understanding and loving the person with suicidal thoughts. Chapter one lays the foundation for understanding suicide by exploring the lived experience of someone struggling with a longing to die. She distinguishes between types of suicidal thoughts, she clarifies a number of myths that surround suicide, and she cautions the reader against assumptions and judgments regarding suicide. Chapter two acknowledges that someone’s struggle with suicide affects you as you seek to love them. She gives readers a peak inside common emotional responses to hearing a confession of suicidal thoughts, and seeks to help the reader grow in self-awareness. Your emotions affect your response and so it is important to understand yourself and your experience. Chapter three builds upon chapter two’s discussion by giving readers tools to manage their emotions, particularly stress, fear, and guilt (common responses to hearing a confession of suicidal thoughts). Her practical suggestions are helpful; I do think as a Christian more gospel-based help in this section will be needed to help us navigate the strong pull of our emotions. Chapter 4 shifts the focus to conversing well with the sufferer. Here, Freedenthal gives guidance on what types of questions we should ask and coaches us through how to ask those questions in a wise and gracious manner. Chapter 5 builds upon that grounding by coaching the reader through “brave listening.” Listening is one of the key tools to caring well for anyone who is suffering, but especially those who struggle with suicidal thoughts. In many ways brave listening is an example of helping to “bear one another’s burdens” (Gal. 6:1), and provides us an opportunity to “consider the interests of others as significant as your own” (Phil. 2:3-4). In this way we avoid shifting the conversation away from uncomfortable topics, but rather create space for a sufferer to unburden their heart. Chapter 6 helps the reader identify crisis situations. Freedenthal notes that not every confession of sucidial thoughts requires hospitalization and that in fact, making such a dramatic move too quickly can cause greater harm. Nonetheless, it is extremely important to know when hospitalization is necessary. She gives great help in guiding the reader to identify crisis and knowing how to respond. Chapter 7 focuses on building safety for the sufferer. Chapter 8 focuses on responding to a suicide attempt. Chapter 9 & 10 deal with navigating tension in the relationship. How do we approach conflict when the person we are in conflict with is suicidal? And what do we do when we are feeling manipulated by the sufferer? These are undoubtedly precarious situations but Freedenthal gives great wisdom and guidance. Chapter 11 turns towards fostering hope, and here again I think the gospel adds more substance to our foundation of hope than anything else can. Nonetheless Freedenthal does have some practical suggestions which we can infuse with gospel truths. Finally, chapter 12 walks through the resources that help people recover from suicidal ideation. Again, there’s much in that chapter which is useful but the Scriptures offer some robust therapeutic resources which can add further depth and grounding to the recovery process.
Overall, I found this to be a tremendous tool and a really useful guide. I highly recommend it. The Christian reader will note plenty of places where the resources of the Christian faith offer more support and help, but Freedenthal’s decades of experience in helping sufferers with suicidal thoughts are a wonderful guide for how to practical engage in the process of loving someone who suffers.
Pastor Dave Online 