Repentance isn’t an event, it’s a change of heart. But it is demonstrated in concrete ways, with a level of consistency, over an extended period of time. Repenting of an adulterous relationship is more than just admitting what you’ve done and saying you’re sorry. Repentance will be demonstrated in humility, accountability, and responsibility.
Repentance after adultery will start with confession. You absolutely must confess to your spouse if you have cheated on them. In most cases the betrayed spouse knows something is wrong. They have been sensing the distance or the erratic behavior for some time. They know there is a secret, sometimes they even suspect adultery, but they are reluctant to believe it. And because you have often lied, manipulated, or twisted facts they begin to feel as though they are crazy, that they are wrong to suspect you of something. You have made your partner live in a false reality by keeping your secrets. You must confess in order to have any real hope of restoring your marriage. Furthermore, your spouse deserves the right to know how their trust has been violated and needs to know what has happened in order to process the marriage rightly and work towards forgiveness. Lastly, you must confess because without it you cannot personally grow past your sin (James 5:16). You must confess, but how you confess is exceedingly important.
Confessions are not simply disclosures. Yes, you must tell your spouse what you have done, who you have done it with, when, how long it has been going on, and how frequently. But confession is not just detail. Confession is about communicating the attitudes of your heart, some level of awareness of how you have betrayed them, and taking full responsibility for your sin and the consequences that may come from it. Confessions that justify, minimize, or defend are not legitimate confessions. It is important that you think carefully about how you confess your sins because the wrong type of confession can do more damage than good. I recommend getting guidance before you confess to your spouse.
Repentance doesn’t stop after confession though. It is only the firs step. There will be many lengthy and upsetting conversations moving forward. It will require of you continued humility. You must be willing to hear the same questions, same frustrations, and same disappoints again and again as your spouse tries to process all that has happened. You will need to give the same answers again and again, clarifying detail, owning your sin, and acknowledging the hurt you have caused. You will not want to have these same conversations, but your spouse will likely need to have them. You must consider the needs of your spouse as more significant than your own (Phil. 2:3). While confession is part of your healing process, and you are moving towards change, it is likely that you have been thinking about this issue for a long time. It is fresh news, however, to your spouse. They will need at least the same amount of time as you to process the information and adjust to the shattering of his/her world. Humble people recognize this and do not demand a more rapid processing than is natural to the individual and the nature of the offense.
Repentance will also require accountability. Your life after adultery must become an open book. You must be willing to give others complete access to your phone, email, internet activity, and schedule. Your secret life needs to be dismantled and revealed, and you need to give others permission to invade that world and track your movements. An unwillingness to be accountable to others will look like more secrecy. Your spouse will be the most obvious “accountability partner,” and you will need to give them permission to check on you, and ask you questions. But they should not be your only accountability partner. You should be willing to involve another person and your spouse should have permission to speak with them, asking for updates at random. This is important because you have already demonstrated a willingness to deceive your partner, they need to learn to trust you via a third-party mediator. Demonstrate your awareness of your sinful track record and your sinful potential by submitting to supervision from others. As you grow the supervision will become less necessary, but at the start it will be a crucial means of demonstrating that you are repentant.
Finally, you will need to demonstrate your repentance through responsibility. You must own all that you can of the restoration process. This means your spouse should not have to ask you to be more engaged, to share what is going on, or to give updates. It means you should take the initiative in your growth, in your marriage, and in communicating love. If they have to wait on you, prompt you, or coerce you into doing things to improve the marriage, demonstrate your repentance, or go to counseling then it will not convince them that you are truly interested in change. You must take the lead in seeking help and working hard. You must do this especially when they are angry, resentful, or disengaged. If they appear to be giving up, which is not uncommon, you must be all the more diligent and consistent, this will communicate more than you realize. You must be the hardest worker in your marriage if you hope to rebuild trust and communicate repentance.
Repentance is a lifelong process that is demonstrated in concrete ways, with a level of consistency. Recovery of your marriage will not happen as an event, it will not happen quickly and simply. You must be diligent, persistent, and patient. Your spouse will need time to process, adjust, and heal. Repentance will evidence itself in fruit (Matt. 3:8). 2 Corinthians 7 delineates the difference between worldly sorrow and godly sorrow. The latter reveals itself in “eagerness to clear yourself” (v. 11). Be eager, then, to demonstrate godly repentance.
Sparrow & Heart Soul Care 
Excellent article. Gives confirmation.
Great advice with one important detail left out. I do not believe in perpetual punishment. Let’s say a husband cheats on his wife. He confesses. Is genuinely sorry and does all the above to repair his marriage. Let’s say an appropriate amount of time (even a year or two) goes by and he honors everything he said he would do. It is not acceptable for a wife to continually to throw that back in his face with every disagreement. She’s not required to forgive, but if she truly can’t forgive she needs to release him so they can both move on with their lives separately.
From the sound of it, you have either not been through the utmost devastation of being the betrayed or you are one of those betrayed who gets over devastation very easily or you are one of the holier than thou Christians. Betrayal Trauma PTSD is a very real and the most catastrophic traumas as one is blinsided by the closest person they have trusted for years and years, whose whole shattered world needs readjusting. Triggers are lifelong and they need constant reminders that the Lord is seated on the throne and He is their only constant. So go easy on your comments.
Mary
Add to the betrayal – perhaps the guilty spouse brings a STD Virus to the innocent. A Virus is permanent never goes away. Also can have catastrophic effects. If the Virus invades the Cental Nervous System it can lead to permanent paralysis or even death.
I cant believe am on this website. I would never have thought I could commit adultery. But I did. GOD I wish I could take it back my husband is devastated its so unreal I feel like am in a very very very bad dream…. I don’t know what happened to me. Now we have no help, I cantaccess help where I am. I can see the highly damaging effect the little truth I told my spouse is having on him. How can I then tell him all without help. Please help me. I want to say it but am so scared of what it would do to him. I don’t think he can handle all the details mentally. It would affect him and his work. I truly thought he did not love me and am surprised at his reactions. It sounds foolish. I am foolish. I thought I was this hardworking wife that had been neglected, but am that foolish woman that brought down her house. GOD please help me. Please pray for me. Please.
Mary- I have walked this walk. 7 years ago I was where you are after having an emotional affair for 3 weeks. My journey continues and it has been the most difficult situation that I have ever had to manage. Although my husband and I are still married, our relationship has still not been reconciled. There are deep scars from my sin. However, I stay focused on God and I have grown closer to God through these trials. He is always there for me and He is always working on our marriage, even when I feel abandoned. I continue to trust that God will one day restore my marriage and I will truly be able to give Him the glory.
You do need help. Trust that God will guide you and give you wisdom in all that you do and say. Trust that he will provide your needs and give you help.
Remember that God is good and He is there for you. He will use this for good.
Girl you are not alone. I feel exactly what you’re feeling except I got pregnant in the process too and I believe in taking responsibilities for my actions so I had him and am raising him.
You most definitely should not tell after years have past…was a pain n trauma n ptsd I did not deserve…nor kno if I can survive..he shud have confessed to God n pastor….after 4 years…not me…I suffer
See No Name reply
My husband confessed 22 hrs after the ending of numerous affairs. This confession was 9 months ago and not one day passes that I don’t think about it. Leaving does not feel like an option for me; I don’t want to start over at 65 yrs of age, I don’t want to split the life savings that I worked so hard for, and I don’t want to split our family up. I do love my husband, he has been a devoted husband for the past 22 yrs and the first 10 yrs of our 44 yr marriage was good. Hearing those words “ I have been unfaithful to you” felt like a knife going through me. I felt like falling apart , I was sick to my stomach. He said he had been carrying that dark secret around for such a long time and feared he would not get to Heaven unless he confessed to me. I agree with you, LT, since so much time had gone by I wish he had never confessed.
I tell him I have forgiven him and, I think I have, but I cannot stop thinking about it and I don’t know if I ever will. I look to God daily and pray to forgive and love as He does.
My adulterous and abusive exhusband, after 20 years of marriage and two children, abandoned us. No financial support whatsoever. I KNOW what church leaders believe about divorce. But, there is also a verse that says if a man does not provide for his own family he has forsaken the faith, he is worse than an infidel. Divorce gave me a little bit of leverage to pursue him on child support. But even now, 34 years after the divorce became final, he has NEVER expressed one single word of regret. Never has asked me for forgiveness for his abuse and adultery. And, he has never found it convenient to make final the monetary divorce settlement with me. Not alimony it was the equal split of assets and he took off with ten thousand dollars leaving me to provide for the children as best I could. He owes me much more than that counting in the back child support he owes. At this point I figure he can answer to God Himself. He must not realize his very eternal life is at stake from the way I read the Bible.
I was married for 7 years to my husband who physically hit me on several occasions. I befriended a close person who we knew and we talked a lot. I fell deeply for him and we had an affair. I divorced my husband and married this man. I guess I was wrong about him because he physically beat me worse than my first husband. I had to have him arrested when he tried to shoot me. We divorced and several years later after spending a lot of years alone, I dated a police Sargent and we hit it off. I was older then and he cared for me a lot. We decided to marry and we were married for over 20 years and he and I were very happy. Unfortunately he passed away from cancer. I want to go and confess this to my priest but I am so ashamed for the now being a good Catholic. I have gone back to church now for years and I am very religious. I go to mass everyday and say the the rosary everyday. I would also like to say husband 1 & 2 both died many years after I married my 3 rd husband.
Look, in the wake of adultery, several components have to take place. Confession, true repentance and allowing the Lord to tear the marriage down to a bedrock foundation. Don’t even mention forgiveness yet, you brought a tidal wave of damage, betrayal that will not be glossed over. You have sinned against your own body, but problem is, you and your wife are one, and you drug her into every affair, every bookstore homosexual experience…she was there in the spiritual realm where God Himself witnessed the covenant between you and the wife of your youth. That has to all be dealt with where it was committed, in the spiritual realm. Bombblast, yes… that’s the demolition of your old marriage. Let the Lord show His power. How can I write this? I’ve seen His power, let Him work.