It is common in Christian circles to assert that where there is a relational breakdown it is always a result of mutual and equal failure. “It takes two to tango.” This sounds Biblical. After all, Jesus tells us to take the log out of our own eye before we rebuke our brother or sister. In reality, however, the text of Scripture often acknowledges that sins are not all equal in impact or consequence. All sin puts us in need of grace, but not all sin carries equal responsibility or consequence—and confusing the two can perpetuate injustice.
All sin is equal in the sense that every sin places us under guilt before a holy God. All sin requires the sacrifice of Jesus Christ in our place for payment. “All have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God” (Rom. 3:23). So, in this ultimate sense all sin is truly equal. Yet, the Bible also acknowledges in many places that not all sin is equal in either impact or consequence and this matters. It matters because often in relational breakdown victims of mistreatment struggle with the imbalance of power. Take for example a case of abuse. Throughout an abusive relationship a wife is constantly being told that she is responsible for her husbands mistreatment. She is being led to believe that if she were more submissive, more humble, more compliant, then he wouldn’t treat her the way he does. This is not true, but it is repeated often enough that she believes it. If they get divorced she will be blamed for the divorce. Part of the challenge is that she can often identify real sins she has committed. We are, after all, all sinners and so it should be easy enough for us to identify specific sins that we need to repent of. But repenting of sins is not the same as bearing the weight of responsibility for relational breakdown. Not all sins are equal, and she needs to know this.
Scripture gives us several examples of different levels of sin. The most famous comes when Jesus speaks about adults who lead children to sin. Notice that in this text one person bears significantly greater responsibility and therefore greater consequence.
But whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in me to fall away—it would be better for him if a heavy millstone were hung around his neck and he were drowned in the depths of the sea. (Matthew 18:6)
Whatever complexity may exist in the situation, Jesus places a uniquely severe judgment on the one who leads others into sin. Responsibility is not evenly distributed.
Other passages reinforce this same principle. Scripture holds leaders to a higher standard and warns of stricter judgment. This is why James urges that not many of us should become leaders (James 3:1). In John 19:11, Jesus notes that while Pilate is guilty of sins, the one who handed him over to Pilate is guilty of “greater sin.” In Matthew 23:23, Jesus states that there are weightier matters in the law – mercy, justice, and faithfulness. Scripture even distinguishes between intentional and unintentional wrongdoing, assigning different consequences in each case (Numbers 35; Joshua 20). The Bible simply does not treat all sin as equal in its effects or accountability.
None of this removes the call for personal repentance. We are always responsible to examine our own hearts and turn from sin. But repentance and responsibility are not always equal in weight. And confusing the two can lead not only to poor theology, but to real harm in the lives of those already suffering. Responsibility for relational breakdown is not always evenly distributed. When Paul advises that “in so far as it depends on you be at peace with all men” he is acknowledging that it doesn’t all depend upon you (Rom. 12:18). Sometimes the weight of a relational breakdown is more one-sided than we think. Sound doctrine will incorporate this into our evaluations of situations and people.
In counseling we want to help people both take responsibility for what is theirs, and we want to release them from guilt that isn’t theirs. Scripture gives us categories to interpret situations and helps us to see that sometimes there is mutual responsibility and sometimes there is not. Knowing that not all sin is equal in impact and consequence allows us to provide the exact help that victims carrying false guilt need. All sin places us in need of grace. But not all sin bears the same weight of responsibility. And wisdom requires that we know the difference.
Sparrow & Heart Soul Care 