Types of Church Hurt

When we speak about church hurt, we are really referring to church hurts, plural. That is to say there are several different types of church hurt. All church hurt is painful, but by acknowledging the diversity of hurt we can better tailor our approach to healing. There are seven types of church hurt that are worth exploring.

Disclaimer

There are, sadly, all kinds of abuse that can and do exist within church contexts. We won’t provide here a comprehensive look at abuse, but will focus in on just these few types of abuse and harm that can come from within the church. If you read this and feel like your pain is not represented do not take that to mean that your pain is not real or not important. All abuse is wicked and does not represent God. Whatever you have been through and whatever you are going through, it is invaluable to reach out for help. In what follows we will explore some specific descriptions of abusive behavior that occurred within a church context and the impact it can have on people. Those struggling should read with caution and if, at any point you feel overwhelmed it is wise to stop.

Types of Church Hurt

All abusive behavior by an individual can be characterized, at some level, as a misuse of authority. Abuse is about power and control; abusive leaders use their power to control others. Within church contexts, church leaders can use their authority to demand unquestioning loyalty, even punishing in some fashion those who don’t show unconditional support. When they are questioned or challenged regarding their decisions, they will claim divine authority as God’s chosen servant. In some cases, spiritual leaders will violate the personal boundaries of their members and demand access to their bank accounts, homes, personal relationships, and more. One individual I spoke with explained how their church leaders demanded to set up monitoring software on their cell phone! These are all abusive tactics that misuse authority for personal gain.

The behaviors not only have dramatic impacts on individuals but on the spiritual community as a whole. The lack of accountability for spiritual leaders often means that their hearts become more deceived and more bent towards selfishness. They create cultures of fear and shame and breed unhealthy dependence upon the church leader. For the sufferer those feelings of shame and confusion can be particularly consuming. They can cloud out any sense of personal identity and often lead a person to significant distrust in themselves. One dear soul who suffered in a church like this found it extremely difficult to make judgements for herself or to believe that she could have accurate perceptions. In addition, when the misuse of authority is finally realized individuals can develop deep distrust of religious leaders and religious institutions and sometimes of God himself. After all, if the spiritual leader claimed to represent God then it can be immensely challenging to know who God is apart from this deceptive and abusive person.

Spiritual abuse, is the second category we should mention. All abusive behavior within religious communities can be characterized, in some manner, as spiritual abuse. Spiritual abuse refers to the use of theological beliefs or religious practices to control or coerce another. This type of harm exploits a person’s confidence in their faith and in their religious community. This often includes twisting Scripture or doctrine, or selectively using Scripture to enforce compliance. Spiritual abuse creates tremendous confusion for victims over how to read the Bible, proper understandings of God and His Word, and perpetual feelings of guilt and shame.

The psychological and spiritual wounds created by the misuse of spirituality in this way are often devastating. Sufferers in these types of church hurt situations often feel that it is not merely their leadership or their church which is harming them, but because of the twisting of Scripture it feels like God himself is abusing them. It is His Holy Word that is often being used to shame, condemn, and control them; so, it feels like God is the one who is against them. In other cases, individuals are led to believe that they are too spiritually broken or damaged to be loved by this God. In that case it’s not that God is abusing them, but rather that they can’t live well enough to be accepted by Him and therefore must not be Christians. When spirituality is twisted to cause God’s people harm, it leaves many feeling like they can have no relationship with God at all.

Many readers will be fully aware, at this point, of the reality that sexual abuse is another form of harm that can and does happen within church contexts. The sexual misconduct within the Roman Catholic church is well known, but Southern Baptist have been exposed on this very point recently too. Sadly, no denomination is immune to it. Within church contexts abusers in authority can exploit spiritual power dynamics to groom or victimize individuals, leveraging their positions of leadership to conceal the abuse. 

Victims of this type of abuse often feel trapped. They feel powerless to speak up, to say “no,” or to seek accountability. The spiritual leader makes them believe that to do so would mean destroying the church, or ruining their ministry, or harming the reputation of the gospel. These are despicable and wicked defenses of despicable and wicked acts. What’s worse is when churches, having discovered the abuse, side with the spiritual leader. Now the victim has been both assaulted and blamed for their assault, or ignored, or accused of being a trouble-maker. They have been devastated by the abuse and then they are ostracized from their community. It leaves many questioning how God could allow this to happen.

Financial exploitation is another form of church harm. In these situations, individuals are be pressured or manipulated into giving money in order to gain some specific spiritual blessing. This is different than churches merely calling on members to help support the church. The difference between tithing and exploitation lies in intent, transparency, and freedom. While tithing is a voluntary act of worship, exploitation coerces individuals through guilt and spiritual threat. Tithing in a healthy church is followed up by transparency and accountability of the leadership in financial dealings; but exploitation occurs when leaders or churches misuse and obscure the allocation of funds. 

Discovering that you have been financially used by your church leaves you feeling humiliated and devalued. Despite believing that you were part of a spiritual family that cared for you, you feel that they merely used you for your finances and did not care about you all. It can send you not merely into a financial crisis, which often happens as leaders pressure members to give well beyond what they can afford, but it often leads to an identity crisis too. Financial exploitation is devaluing of people, and leaves many wondering how they could be used and treated so poorly by people they trusted. It leads many to think there is something inherently wrong with themselves.

Sometimes church hurt can feel more passive than active. It is, of course, no less painful to discover that you have been forgotten, but it’s not always with the intent to harm. Sometimes Neglect is intentional, but often it is simply a result of fallible humans and faulty leadership structures. Sadly, many churches do not know how to handle various administrative responsibilities involved in leading and caring for a congregation. Very little training is given to pastors on such skills, and often churches are set up such that leadership falls primarily to one paid staff member. Whatever the causes, neglect is deeply hurtful. It can actually be worse in large churches where no structures are in place to manage the volume of members.

Members who have invested in a community, served, and been active for years can find that in a time of crisis they get overlooked. In some cases their inability to attend services for a period of time means that others forget about them. At other times an immediate response of care is lost as problems and crises drag on. In such cases, suffering individuals feel as if they don’t matter. That their presence has meant little to the congregation and that the leadership doesn’t really care what happens to them. This may or may not be true, but it is an understandable conclusion to come to as you sense the growing distance between yourself and your faith community. Often, these individuals end up deeply hurt and leave such congregations. 

Legalism represents an approach to Christian living that always results in harm. Legalism is rooted in a deep misunderstanding of what it means to be a Christian. It is built upon the belief that righteousness, spiritual maturity, and God’s favor are achieved through a strict adherence to outward religious performance. Often, however, the issues which legalists emphasize aren’t even the commands of Scripture but lifestyle preferences having to do with music, movies, dancing, clothing, etc. This results in minimizing of the inner state of the heart, the experience of God, and an extension of grace towards others. The impact of this over time is that individuals cannot ask for help with their sin, cannot confess their sin, and often fear social judgment from the church. In the long run church becomes a place of anger and condemnation, and not a safe place for broken needy people. 

Finally we can speak about the pain of church conflict. Whether you are directly involved in the conflict or not, church conflict is always painful because it involves people we love and creates division in the body of Christ. Tensions build, people choose sides, and the mission and community of the church gets swallowed up by constant arguing. Sometimes church conflict can be over petty things like the color of the carpet, but often it feels like it is over weighty matters, sometimes even theological matters. Whatever the causes it can be hard to watch brothers and sisters turn against one another and we can get caught in the crosshairs even if we weren’t involved. We can lose friends, or witness our church dwindle in size as members leave. We can feel deeply saddened and alone in our faith community when that happens.

Sometimes we are highly involved in the conflict. We can feel like we are standing our ground on important issues. Conflict can be necessary, even in our churches, but that doesn’t make it any less painful. In either case, whether we are involved or just watching it happen, conflict leaves us frustrated with church and feeling anxious about the future. When immature believers get involved in conflict it can sometimes shift from the topic of tension to personal attacks, and then things can get very ugly. I once counseled a young man who saw two of his deacons get into a fist fight in the church parking lot. Needless to say, he felt hurt, angry, and confused about how such godly men could act so childishly. Church conflict is hard to watch and live through, and it is its own type of church hurt.

Conclusion

There are plenty of other examples we could mention too but we will stop here. Perhaps you read through that list and you identify with one or more of the categories. Understanding the type of hurt you have experienced is an important first step towards processing and healing. So take your time to evaluate what you experienced and what category (or categories) best represents your pain. God ares about all church hurt and wants to meet you in it.