Building Healing Communities

That we should have to write about or discuss the dynamics of church hurt at all is a tragedy. There are few things as painful and disorienting as being hurt and betrayed by your faith community. For many, healing from church hurt means deconstructing or even abandoning their faith. There is a way, however, to heal from church hurt and hold onto to faith. That way requires safe space, long-term support, and robust theology.

Ministry to those who experience church hurt is a growing burden of mine. The pain from such hurt is intense, and it can come in many diverse forms. The result in all of these cases, however, is often a sense of disconnection from my faith community and a deep questioning of my beliefs. Statistics on those who have walked away from their faith vary. Causation is, of course, incredibly hard to prove but a number of studies found that individuals self-reported church hurt of some kind as a deciding factor in their departure. In 2019 Barna, for example, reported that 37% of individuals who identified as “ex-Christians” cited hurtful experiences such as hypocrisy and abusive behavior from churches as a significant factor in their leaving the faith. In 2020 Lifeway Research reported that 20% of Protestant churchgoers experienced church hurt and half of those reconsidered their faith all together as a result. Finally, the Exvangelical Resilience Survey conducted in 2024 explored why people leave Evangelical Christianity in particular. Their report stated that 27% of former Christians left due to instances of church or clergy hypocrisy and mistreatment. 

There’s a lot to ponder as we think about this data, but for me I can’t help but reflect on the fact that it represents real people with deep pain. Leaving your faith is never a simple thing. It often comes with deep wrestling, anguish, anxiety, and grief. There are plenty of communities out there who are willing to help people abandon their faith; but we need more communities ready to help people hold onto their faith while healing from church hurt. This requires communities that are educated on trauma and spiritual abuse. It requires communities who know how to create safe space for wrestling and questioning. It requires communities of confidence and grace, love and conviction. Truly healing communities are those who can offer safe spaces to process pain, strong support to walk with people through it, and robust theology that refuses to offer simplistic answers. Let’s explore these three key elements of healing communities.

Church hurt can set off a series of existential fires. It causes us to question spiritual leaders, their teachings, the community that embraced them (or still embraces them), and ultimately it causes us to question God. The process of healing must include giving people space to process all of their questions and all of the corresponding emotions. Often faith communities can be uncomfortable with this type of ecclesial and theological questioning. But the Bible has room for hot lament and theological wrestling. When you read the Psalms of Lament, for example, they wrestle with God and often say hard things:

“My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me, from the words of my groaning?” (Psalm 22:1)

“I say to God, my rock: Why have you forgotten me? Why do I go mourning because of the oppression of the enemy?” (Psalm 42:9)

“When I remember God, I moan; when I meditate, my spirit faints.” (Psalm 77:3)

“You [God] have caused my companions to shun me; you have made me a horror to them. I am shut in so that I cannot escape.” (Psalm 88:8)

These are hard sayings, but what is so fascinating is that God included them in His Holy Word! God gives space for the psalmist, and for us, to grieve and express our frustration, confusion, and hurt. If God can be patient and compassionate with hurting souls, then His people need to be too. A healing community will want to give people space to feel all their feelings and wrestle with all their thoughts.

A healing community will also want to provide strong support. This means we will provide long-term care that loves people no matter how long it takes them, no matter how shocking their questions, and no matter what conclusions they come to. Scripture calls us to “rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep” (Romans 12:15). We can start out doing this really well, but over time we get frustrated with another person’s suffering. We want them to move along. We are prone to decide when another person should be “over it.” We often have limits to our weeping. But the trauma of betrayal, the pain and anguish of church hurt do not resolve easily. Supporting those who go through church hurt means walking with them the length of the journey; love does not have a termination date for this type of community. This is hard because often people hurt by the church are angry and they can be angry at churches, pastors, Scripture, and God. You will have to hear hard things, and you will have to watch friends draw conclusions that you do not agree with. You will have to be comfortable being uncomfortable. But healing communities continue to love. This doesn’t mean you have to agree with or support all of their conclusions, but you can continue to love them and be a friend in the midst of their wrestling. In fact, supporting someone in their pursuit of the truth can be a way that keeps important theological conversations open in the future. 

Finally, these types of healing communities must have robust doctrine. Not pressuring hurting people to accept specific doctrines is not the same as having no doctrine. This type of community can give space for others to wrestle with their beliefs without shame or coercion, but it must be a community that still holds to sound doctrine. Yet, the key distinctive of this community is found in that adjective “robust.” Far too often, when Christians try to help traumatized and grieving people they offer simplistic doctrinal explanations to deep questions. Hurting people do not need Christians who can tie up every theological conundrum with a nice little bow. Often, the types of questions that hurting people ask don’t have neat and tidy answers; the Bible doesn’t even give us an answer to every question that suffering raises. Robust theology can acknowledge the complexity of life and pain, it can handle mystery, and it can say “I don’t know.” Robust theology can acknowledge that God is good and also say, He does things that are hard to understand. The way forward for people hurting from church betrayal is not to give them Christian cliches and simplistic doctrines; nor is the way forward to offer them no doctrine at all. Healing communities can help people hold onto faith by acknowledging that the Christian faith is bigger than they can perceive or sometimes bigger than they have been taught. Healing communities can hold to the authority and sufficiency of Scripture without suggesting that there is a Bible verse that resolves every ache. These are the types of communities suffering people need.

I want to be part of such a community. I want to help cultivate such a community. My friends and counselees need such a community. It is possible to heal from hurt and hold onto faith, but it requires the right kind of healing community. Will you pray with me as we consider how God might lead us in forming this kind of community for those dealing with church hurt.