I have spent several years now counseling young men and women throughout a variety of stages of their dating. I have heard some of the craziest things, and often some of the most inane. I believe that many young men and women are genuinely interested in honoring God in their dating relationships, but sometimes the things they say to one another in dating relationships are just ridiculous, if not dangerous. So this series of posts will consider some of the more ridiculous things that men and women say to each other in dating relationships.
Let’s start with the guys. Here are some of the things Guys should stop saying in dating relationships:
1. “I am really looking for a Proverbs 31 woman” –> It’s good to have standards, and certainly you can find no better standard than God’s Holy Word. And certainly the description in this chapter is of a godly wife, but there are a few important things that young men ought to recognize: (1) Godliness is a process. It doesn’t just manifest in people perfectly, it takes time and hardship to be formed. No woman will ever match this standard perfectly and applying it as a flat grid seems unhelpful and sets you up for disappointment. (2) In addition, the passage is clearly focused around the efforts of a wife in managing a good household. That may be a great quality, and it may be what you’re looking for, but announcing that what you’re looking for is a good housewife isn’t very compelling to young women. Most young ladies want to know they are being pursued for more than their role as a housewife, and rightfully so.
2. “I am dating for marriage” –> Again, we might say that this is a commendable thing. Dating just for the sake of killing time or having fun, and not taking seriously the nature of relationships is a bad idea. But it’s not a really great thing to say to someone on those first few dates. It can be really off-putting as you spend time getting to know someone. Don’t rush relationships or take them too seriously too early. It’s okay to date because you’re getting to know each other, you don’t have to be working towards marriage immediately.
3. “God is telling me you’re the one” –> Like the previous comment, this one can go too far too quickly. Let’s lay aside the entire theory about “the one” that so many Christians have, and just address the reality that if God isn’t confirming that same reality in the other person then you are mistaken. God may or may not be leading you to marry this person, but if he isn’t leading the other person to the same conclusion it’s probably not going to happen. Just relax and let the relationship unfold by intentionally investing in the other person. Don’t use spiritual language to pressure relationships.
4. “God is telling me we should break up” –> This is a peculiar one. At one level it may be that you are feeling led to end a relationships, but this is not a helpful way to term it. There are real reasons why a relationships isn’t working out, be honest about those. If it’s sin then say so. If it’s a change in feelings then say so. If it’s incompatibility then be honest. Don’t just dump all the weight on God as if it’s his fault. Own up to your part or their part in the relationship and shoot straight. God has reasons for why relationships should be broken off, express those reasons to your partner.
5. “I think we should break up because I’ve made you an idol” –> This strikes me as a lame excuse and justification for ending a relationship. Idolatry isn’t okay, of course, but this doesn’t get easier in marriage. I can make my wife an idol too, I don’t have the option of dumping her over it (nor do I want to). The solution is not to end the relationship but to repent and return to faithfully serving God and serving my partner in a way that glorifies God. Idolatry pops up all over my life, I can’t run from it. I do have to confront it. The truth is that usually there are other reasons why a guy is breaking up with a girl, be honest and don’t abuse spiritual concepts to justify your own ends.
6. “I love you” –> This isn’t necessarily one that guys should stop saying, but I want to urge young men to use it carefully. Love is a serious thing and to express it when it’s not been built up in a relationship is unfair to young ladies. We can generate dependency and deep emotional connections through the use of this langauge and if it is nothing more than infatuation or passion that decreases over time then it can devastate. You are left, then, with a word that is meaningless. And you can potentially do real damage to another person through misusing this language. Don’t say it too soon, and don’t say it without careful reflection on the nature of your relationship.
Generally I think young Christian guys can be less weird about how the speak about relationships. You can honor God in how you date without pressuring relationships too early, and without sounding “religious” in your dating lingo. Furthermore, I think guys need to avoid abusing God and theology in order to justify doing what they want in dating relationships. Fellas, stop saying these things!
Sparrow & Heart Soul Care 
hahahah that e card!