Dating Within the Church

Dating within the church is risky for the whole church. As the pastor of a young church full of college students I have seen first-hand the real danger that dating within the church poses to the whole assembly. It’s not that I don’t want people in our church to grow together, and fall in love, and commit to life-long relationships. I love our guys and girls and often think that they are good matches. But the danger is that a couple doesn’t “make-it,” and that fall-out can harm the body. When some relationships fall apart the couple can go their separate ways and work through the break-up apart from each other. But when you fellowship in the same assembly, when you share the same friends, and attend the same events it can be very difficult.

I can speak from real experience here, both as a pastor and as a former serial dater. As a young man I dated just about every girl in my church youth group and, in retrospect, saw the damage it did. But as a pastor I see it at a different level and have greater concern over it. We recently had an awful experience where an engaged couple ended their relationship. It was painful for many reasons that I can’t go into here, but it also saw great heartbreak in our whole church. You see the reality is that relationships among fellow church members affect the whole church. The church becomes invested in a relationship. Pastors do pre-marital counseling. Friends double-date. The church comes to view you as a couple. Break-ups, then, too affect all of us. When a couple breaks-up it can create divisions in the church as friends choose sides. It can lead to isolation as hurt feeling ensue from the fall-out. It can even, in some very sad cases, end in people leaving the church. It’s important, then, to remember that dating within the church is not just about you. So, as you are eyeing that pretty girl who works in the nursery, or flirting with that drummer in the praise team let me urge you to think carefully about a few things.

Remember that before this person was your date, or boyfriend/girlfriend, they were your fellow church member. As partners in the same church you have very specific responsibilities towards one another and responsibilities together for the rest of your church. Remember that after this date you will still have responsibility for their growth. Remember that if you break-up you will still have responsibilities to pray for them, love them, and serve alongside them.  Be careful and strategic about what you say and do in your relationship. If you care about this person now then make sure that you think about the future. If the relationship doesn’t work out you want to be able to continue serving together and serving one-another as participants in the same fellowship.

Don’t rush into relationships. You may know this person from small group, or fellowship dinners, but that’s not the same as knowing them from a real, long-term, and personal investment. Take your time; build up a solid friendship. Work towards a future that you can trust. That is to say, don’t presume upon a future you haven’t earned. Moving too fast can create real pain for a broken relationship among church members later. Going to the same church doesn’t mean you automatically know each other, or automatically fit well together. Going to the same church and having a terrible break-up will mean trouble for your fellowship.

Don’t date your friend’s recent ex. This is the principle that I have to stress the most. I know from experience how painful it is to watch friends pick up where you left off, so to speak. Furthermore I have watched people I love in our fellowship bounce back and forth between guys and girls. I’ve watched friends “steal” girlfriends or boyfriends, and I have seen and heard first-hand their heartbreak. I know what some of you might be thinking: “It worked out for me.” And you might be right. It did work out for me. I am now married to one of my friend’s former girlfriends. In fact the way I met my wonderful wife was through this friend. He broke up with her and I moved in. It’s a story we all laugh about now, but it’s definitely not ideal. And such situations are actually far rarer than they seem. The reality is often that friends get hurt, friendships dissolve, and bitterness grows. And such bitterness grows not simply from the friend slighted, but it spreads to others. I recall, with great shame, a time in my high school years when I stole my best friend’s girlfriend. He was away at college and I began a secret relationship with this  girl. It is easily one of my most shameful moments to reflect on, but it happened. And what I found was not only had I hurt and lost a dear friend, but I had embittered many others against myself and the young lady because of that sin. Maybe you will be the exception to the norm. Maybe it will all work out for you. But the risk is great.

I love the single guys and girls in our church. Some of them are the most dedicated, passionate, and involved among our fellowship. But relationships can become a constant source of trouble for our small body. I really hate getting involved in people’s dating lives. I am not a matchmaker and I don’t like to meddle around with these sorts of things. But sometimes, as a pastor, it becomes necessary to intervene. Because the reality is that all relationships in the church affect the whole church. I would never want to discourage people from dating within the church, but please think carefully before you do it. Your dating can affect the church, and you should think about them too.