Church Hurt and Anger, Part 2

It’s okay to be angry when your church hurts you. As we said in our previous post, anger is a moral emotion. Anger says, “This is wrong and it matters.” What we do with that anger, however, also matters. In the aftermath of church hurt we must seek to develop constructive anger.

There is an important distinction between constructive and destructive anger. In particular destructive anger hurts not just others but often ourselves. Many years ago I left a church staff that I perceived had done me real wrong. There were truly some things done that were wrong and so I felt justified in my anger, and to some degree I was. But I did not deal with that anger in a healthy way. Instead I turned it into bitterness and stewed about my hurt and their failings. I planned the things I would say to people if I ran into them around town (which I almost never did). In truth, however, that anger and bitterness did more to harm me than anyone. It ate at my soul and my potential for joy. Bitterness, as they say, is like drinking rat poison and waiting for the rat to die. The Bible similarly warns us against bitterness, saying: 

See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no “root of bitterness” springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled (Hebrews 12:15)

The “root of bitterness” causes much trouble and because of it many become “defiled.” Bitterness is a poisonous root that makes us sick.

It’s not that we should just “get over” our hurts. Most of us don’t choose to do the wrong thing with anger, but we often don’t know what to do with it. Anger is a strong emotion and it often arises from real injustice. We need to develop a framework for using anger in a constructive manner before we experience anger. So, let’s consider what a constructive response, versus a destructive, response to anger looks like.

Constructive anger addresses the problem more than it attacks people. This is is a tricky point because we are, of course, angry at people. It’s a real person or a real group of people who have harmed us. But we can be angry and not respond by harming others. The Apostle Peter invites us to respond like Jesus who, “when he was insulted, he did not insult in return; when he suffered, he did not threaten but entrusted himself to the one who judges justly” (1 Peter 2:23). Anger comes with energy and an impulse to act. It should direct us to address the problem that has caused the pain. Sometimes that means confrontation, other times that means involving others in confrontation, at other times it involves being a whistleblower, calling the authorities, or a million other responses to the issue. Destructive anger, in turn, looks to lambast the people responsible, to make them feel pain, to seek revenge. This rarely has the affect of relieving our pain or resolving issues. We want to honor the Lord in our response to hurt, even if those who caused it didn’t honor Him.

Constructive anger confronts in hopes that people repent. Confrontation is certainly an appropriate response when sin is involved. In multiple places Scripture calls us to rebuke and correct one another (Prov. 27:5-6; Matt. 18:15; Luke 17:3). We are told to expose the works of evil (Eph. 5:11). And yet, we are also guided by Scripture on how to do this. We are to do it with gentleness (Gal. 6:1), and we are to do with the hope that the other person may repent and turn from sin (2 Tim. 2:25). Our goal should not be to make people pay, but to see them turn from sin and truly change. This is a hard motive to pursue when we have been deeply wounded, but it is a healthier one for our souls and for the church as a whole.

Constructive anger talks frequently to the Lord. The Lord wants to hear from us when we are angry and hurt. He invites us to vent our emotions to Him. So, the Psalmist sets us a compelling example in numerous Psalms where he complains about his enemies. In Psalm 57, for example, he cries out:

I am in the midst of lions;
I am forced to dwell among ravenous beasts—
men whose teeth are spears and arrows,
whose tongues are sharp swords. (v. 4)

He is very pointed in his description of them and their wickedness. These are people who cut him with their words and lies. They have wickedness like sharp teeth in their mouths. “They spread a net for my feet,” “they dug a pit in my path,” (v. 6) he adds. They are bent on trapping and ensnaring him. In another Psalm he calls upon God to judge and destroy his enemies. In Psalm 5 we read:

For there is nothing reliable in what they say;
destruction is within them;
their throat is an open grave;
they flatter with their tongues.
Punish them, God;
let them fall by their own schemes.
Drive them out because of their many crimes,
for they rebel against you. (v. 9-10)

Our relationship to the so-called Imprecatory Psalms is worth discussing further in another post, but for the moment we can recognize that God invites us to share with him our anger and hurt. It is not constructive to suppress our feelings but when we share them with the Lord we are allowing ourselves to feel all that we feel but putting it in a constructive place: the hands of God.

This is all, of course, easy to say and very difficult to walk out. Most of us will need help and often we will need to be patient with ourselves as we strive to move forward. In addition, anger is a subject to be addressed only after you’ve properly identified and grieved the hurt you’ve experienced. You won’t be able to deal rightly with your anger if you haven’t properly categorized what happened to you. Take your time and grieve well before jumping into dealing with anger and bitterness. Rushing this subject may lead you to improperly blame yourself for things that aren’t your fault. Move slowly and get help.

Dealing with our anger is also related to forgiveness. There is a great deal of confusion around this subject, and because it is far more complicated than we realize, I will spend some future posts discussing it. Likewise, however, we will want to give ourselves proper time to process and grieve our experiences before moving too quickly to the issue of forgiveness.

Anger is a right response to church hurt. What you do with that anger, however, can help you heal or it can keep you stuck. Biblical anger should be constructive.