In spite of our desire to make lifelong commitments and to have lifelong friends, not all relationships will last forever this side of heaven. Sometimes a friendship comes to an end, and it is worth seeking to understand the situations where this happens. We can either lose or leave friends.
Losing means a friendship ends because the investment in it has changed. Sometimes that investment changed because of distance. Friends move away, relocate, change jobs, churches, or stages of life. Not all friendships end because of these kinds of changes, though all are impacted by them. Some, however, do end.
At other times, an investment in a person changes because of something more than distance. Maybe we didn’t call enough. Maybe we got too busy. Or maybe they got preoccupied with other things. For whatever reason we simply drifted apart. Perhaps life took us in a different direction, or took them in a different direction and the relationship suffered the consequences of these changes.
We lose friendships, and this is easier to do than you might realize. As the poet Elizabeth Bishop has written, “the art of losing isn’t hard to master.” We lose lots of things easily: keys, memories, homes, and places. And for the most part, she says, these losses aren’t a disaster, “the art of losing isn’t hard to master.” But, then there are some things we lose that do indeed feel like disaster. “Losing you,” she says feels like disaster. What I love about this poem is the way in which she affirms both the naturalness of loss and yet still the pain of loss. That’s the way it is with friendships too. Friendships aren’t marriages. We will grow apart, we will lose friends. And yet, because we understand friendship, we should not lose them easily. It’s okay to be sad and grieve the loss of friendships.
Leaving friendships, however, is different. There is much more intentionality in these dynamics and they often arise because of hurt. Justin Earley notes that “losing friendships is a result of being human,” that is we have limitations of time, space, commitment, and memory. But, he says, “leaving friendships is much more a product of … sin and fallenness.”
Sometimes we must leave people who have chosen to pursue destructive and sinful lifestyles that we cannot support. Some will choose addiction, some will choose to blow up their marriages, some will choose to run into communities that will fuel their sin. And, depending on our personality, maturity, and depending on who is impacted by the sin we may have to part ways with a friend.
Some relationships end because the other person has chosen to pursue sin and you are left with little option but to leave the relationship. Proverbs 13:20 warns us not to walk with foolish people or you will become foolish. There’s even a caution in Scripture not to get caught up in correcting foolish people. In Proverbs 26:4-5 we have two verses that say opposite things and are back to back. They assert that we should both rebuke a fool and not rebuke a fool. We are inclined to think of them as exclusive; after all you can’t do both. But I think the point of the text is that there comes a point with some people where even an ongoing rebuke is dangerous. You leave them to their decisions. That’s the essence of Jesus’ warning about pigs in Matthew 7:6. If you keep casting your pearls before swine eventually they will turn and come after you.
Boundaries in Friendships
The language of boundaries can be used inappropriately in our culture. It can be used to suggest I don’t have to sacrifice for others or be around people who disagree with me. Biblical boundaries, however, leave open the possibility of forgiveness and even reconciliation, but only on the side of wisdom. Biblical Boundaries say, you are welcome to cross over into the realm of wisdom and live with me, but I will not cross into the realm of foolishness and live with you! So, we set up boundaries for our good and for the sake of living a wise life.
None of these comments is meant to suggest that you should stop being friends with everyone who sins. That would leave you alone and empty, and probably self-righteous. The truth is that you and I are as much sinners as everyone else and we still want friends. We all need friends who will stick with us even when we are being fools. But we all need to know what we can handle both with regard to temptations and with regard to our own emotional bandwidth. In these instances we want to make decisions that will help us continue to grow spiritually. But that doesn’t mean you should abandon all friends who go in different directions morally or spiritually. Know your limits and seek wisdom in relationships.
Of course, some relationships end because we have been so badly sinned against that we can’t reconcile. Forgiveness and reconciliation are different things. We want always to strive for forgiveness in earthly relationships, but you can forgive someone and not be able to remain intimate friends. That is one of the hard realities of living in a broken world. Sometimes reconciliation awaits the return of the King. Until then we may have to set up boundaries in our life.
Friendships may come and go, even as we strive to cultivate lifelong relationships. Sometimes we lose friends and sometimes we leave friends (or let them leave). It is always painful, hard, and disappointing and yet it is a part of life. In these moments, Christians can be grateful that we have a friend who has promised to never leave us nor forsake us.
Sparrow & Heart Soul Care 