We have come now to the final piece of our framework. Here we will talk about the challenging but necessary element of forgiveness. No relationship can develop any depth to it without the existence of forgiveness. People are too broken, too messy, too selfish, and too complex to not struggle with sin and offense. Biblical friendships know how to wisely apply forgiveness.
In order to properly forgive we need to first understand forgiveness. Our forgiveness is modeled off of God’s forgiveness. He is our reference point. In both Ephesians 4:32 and in Colossians 3:13 we are called to forgive “as God has forgiven you.” So, what do we know about God’s forgiveness of us? We know the following:
It is not earned – God’s forgiveness is a free gift of God’s mercy
It cancels a debt – His forgiveness erases my debt to God in particular
It is unfair – He, though innocent became sin, in order that we, though guilty, might become the righteousness of God
It is continual – He remembers our sins no more!
It is conditional – Forgiveness is granted to all those who repent, but repentance is a prerequisite to forgiveness
That is God’s forgiveness of us.
This is how our forgiveness of others works too. Forgiveness is not deserved, we are forgiving those who have wronged us. It’s unfair. Part of the emotional difficulty of forgiveness is that when we forgive we are letting go of our right to be repaid or our desire for revenge. It’s continual – forgiveness is not a one-time act, it is something I will have to continually remind myself to do. And, there is a sense in which my forgiveness cancels a debt owed to me. We are, after all, taught to pray, “forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors.” We are letting go of that right to payment. Lastly, my forgiveness is conditional. This particular point is often difficult for many Christians to accept, it goes contrary to what they have often been taught or believed. But I think it is both rooted in the text and helps us to navigate forgiveness in a healthier way. So, let’s unpack it further.
Scripture does not teach that we just blindly forgive. Rather, it teaches that we forgive those who repent. Consider, for example, what Jesus teaches in Luke 17:3-4.
Pay attention to yourselves! If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him, and if he sins against you seven times in the day, and turns to you seven times, saying, ‘I repent,’ you must forgive him.
There is a conditional clause here: if he repents. Meaning I can’t forgive someone who hasn’t repented.I can entrust them to the Lord, I can let go of bitterness, but I cannot forgive because they don’t think they’ve done anything wrong or worth forgiving. So, we are looking for repentance, and the Apostle Paul gives us some guidance on that point. Repentance is not merely sorrow; it is sorrow that is displayed in certainly godly characteristics (see 2 Corinthians 7:10-11). So we are looking for fruit, and sometimes fruit takes a while to see. Depending on the sin and offense, then, we may be able to forgive and move on quickly or we may need to time to evaluate things and move slowly towards healing in a relationship. Of course, not all sin has to be confronted. The Bible gives us a category of sin that is overlooked, it is covered over by love (1 Peter 4:8). This is likely to be the dominant dynamic in a friendship. But where I cannot let love cover something I must address it or the root of bitterness will take hold and breed chaos in my heart and life (Heb. 12:14-15). In either case, however, I will be working towards forgiveness.
No friendship can survive without forgiveness and no friendship can survive if there is a pattern of repeated offense and hurt. So we want to be people who forgive, who seek forgiveness, and who address patterns of sin with one another. That is how a healthy friendship grows.
The Bible helps us understand how to relate well with those we love even when they sin against us. We let love cover a multitude of sins because we love our friend and we can give them the benefit of the doubt. Where a sinful pattern has taken hold, however, we know we must address the hurt and the behavior. We do this for our good so that we don’t become embittered towards them, and we do this for their good because we want to see them grow and change. Forgiveness is an essential part of a Biblical framework for friendship. If you can’t forgive you will have few, if any, lasting friends.
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