A Biblical framework for building genuine friendships starts with our own character and commitment. We have been exploring the features of a Biblical Friendship over several posts and we come next to the feature of honesty. Honesty in friendships means a willingness to encourage and a willingness to rebuke.
Of course, honesty is embedded within vulnerability (see previous post). You can’t be genuinely vulnerable about fake dynamics; that’s deception. But we can expand upon this principle of honesty in further detail. In particular, we should focus on honest encouragement and honest rebuke. Both of which tend to be hard for modern American Christians.
Before we go further, however, let me give a quick word about what we might call “useless honesty.” Not all honesty is equal. There is a type of honesty that is actually unproductive and harmful to relationships. Honesty that is not necessary or which does not help the relationship should be avoided. An example of useless honesty can help us here.
I was once counseling a young married couple in which the wife regularly repeated to her husband and in our sessions that she wished she had married someone else. It was an absolutely true statement. It genuinely reflected how she felt and what she thought. It was also utterly unhelpful to the relationship or the counseling process. It didn’t reveal anything new about their situation or her heart. It didn’t add to the understanding or the progress of counseling. And it served only to bring increased pain and hurt to her spouse. Saying everything that you feel and think is not necessary or good for relationships. We want to be honest in ways that are productive.
Paul urges us to speak with the building up of others in mind (Eph. 4:29). That doesn’t mean we refuse to say critical things to one another, as we will see shortly. But it does mean we speak for the good of others, not merely for saying how we feel. Let’s talk now about encouragement and rebuke.
Honest Encouragement.
Perhaps you’ve had this experience: someone says something really nice to you, compliments you, or expresses appreciation for you and you instantly begin to feel uncomfortable. You feel embarrassed, or unsure of what to say. Why? Why do we often feel this way at the expression of appreciation from another? In much of American culture, and even in the church, we aren’t used to this kind of encouragement. But think about how important it is to speak honestly with one another about how much we value them. Encouragement means drawing someone’s attention to the good in their life that they should continue to cultivate. I love the way Justin Earley speaks about this habit of encouragement. He writes:
This is much more than complimenting. It means naming the good that exists and putting the courage in one another to seek it. (Made for People)
I love that expression “putting the courage in one another to seek it.” Encouragement means giving courage to someone else that enables them to seek good things. Specifically good character. Think about how encouragement affects you. The truth is that most of us don’t get enough encouragement. We often feel discouraged, alone, forgotten, and overlooked. Friends encourage one another. We put courage into one another. Paul tells us plainly, as we have seen, to speak in ways that build up one another (Eph. 4:29). Speak honestly about what you love in others and watch your friendships blossom.
Honest Rebuke
If we feel awkward about encouragement that is magnified a thousand times by rebuke. Our culture is great at criticizing people on social media or in the news. But face-to-face correction for the good of another is a foreign concept. Most of us are too afraid to hurt someone’s feelings. We are too worried about being accused of judgmentalism. We are too worried about losing relationships. And so, even when we have concerns about someone’s behavior, allegiances, choices, or character we say nothing.
Scripture, however, calls us to rebuke. Jesus teaches it in Luke 17:3. The Proverbs give us several examples of the value of correction (Proverbs 27:5-6; 28:23). Even the Psalms proclaim the value of a righteous man’s correction (Psalm 141:5).
Rebuke is loving correction that is honest enough to call attention to something dangerous in another’s life. A rebuke is a warning. You don’t love someone if you’re not willing to point out something dangerous. And as Proverbs says it, you will win a man’s favor with rebuke (28:23). Real friends know that you love them when you speak up. They may be defensive at first, they may disagree. But if you love them you speak up.
A few suggestions about rebuke:
- Ask instead of accuse – don’t go into any situation with an assumption. Express concern, share the reasons for that concern, identify what you see as evidence, but do so humbly. You are not perfect and you don’t see accurately.
- Reaffirm your commitment to their good – you’re not just there to be critical you’re there to be a friend. Whatever is going on, remind them that you care about them and want good for them.
- Follow correction with honest encouragement – don’t leave things at the point of rebuke. Steer your friend towards what you know to be good about their character. Help them to see that change, growth, and repentance are possible for them.
Friends encourage and friends rebuke. That’s what we are after in honest relationships. Be honest with your friends.
Sparrow & Heart Soul Care 