A Theology of Friendship: Building a Framework, Part 3

We are attempting to provide a constructive framework for Biblical friendships. What does it look like to think correctly about friendships in a culture that devalues them? How do we be good friends? These are important questions to answer. In previous posts we have explored the concepts of both proximity and time. In this post we will unpack the importance of vulnerability in developing friendship

This should seem like an obvious point: you can’t be friends with people you don’t talk to. But there is a specific way to discuss communication here, because obviously we talk to all kinds of people all the time and say all kinds of things to people who are functionally strangers. Chatting with the guy in line at Starbucks doesn’t make you friends. Words spoken aren’t the key to friendships. Communication has specific elements to it that are meaningful for deeper relationships.

The first key to friendships communication is vulnerability.To be vulnerable is to be exposed. To allow the inner world of our hearts to be seen by others. I am vulnerable when I share my joys, hurts, hopes, sorrows, and struggles. I am vulnerable when I let others see the parts of me that I am ashamed of. I am vulnerable when I let someone else know the inner workings of my mind, the fears and insecurities I have. And the key here is that when I am exposed to others I am known by others. To be intimately known is essential to building friendships, and vulnerability is the pathway. If you never share your burdens, joys, fears, and hurts with others you will always have shallow relationships. Vulnerability is what takes a relationship beneath the surface into something deeper and more meaningful.

So, as you build relationships with others you will progressively share more layers of yourself with them. And as you learn how they respond to those self-revelations you will find them either to be unsafe, which kills a relationship, or you will find them to be safe and responsible with your heart and you will share more. In fact, there’s been some interesting research that suggests one of the reasons that therapy is so popular right now is that people have no one to share their hearts with and so they have to hire someone to do that. In some cases, people don’t need a therapist they just need a friend whom they can talk with and talk about life with. But without those meaningful and safe relationships where we can be vulnerable, we are forced to pay someone to listen to our hearts. Now, I am a firm believer that therapy can be a powerful and necessary tool in life’s troubles. But not everyone who goes to therapy needs therapy. Sometimes they just need friends.

All of this is fundamentally Biblical, isn’t it? We are called as believers to “rejoice with those who rejoice, and to weep with those who weep” (Rom. 12:15). And what is true of the church as a whole is to be uniquely true of those closest to us. There’s a reason that when Jesus goes to the Garden of Gethsemane to wrestle with his impending crucifixion he invites his three closest friends to come closer than the others. All the disciples went with him – but they went deeper in and he revealed to them more about how he was struggling (Matthew 26:36-38). Jesus, the Divine Son of God, is vulnerable with his three best friends. This is what it looks like to be close to someone.

So, think about your life. Other than your spouse, if you have one, are there people you can call when you are excited about something? Are there people who can talk to when you are worried, anxious, sad, or grieving? Is there anyone in your world, outside of your own household, who knows what your secrets are? Who knows what your longings are? Who knows what your disappoints are? If you don’t have those kinds of relationships, I would suggest that you find those people and start cultivating them so that you can be truly and intimately known by someone.

Of interest to me was the distinction between sharing and being vulnerable that I found in Justin Earley’s book Made for People. Consider these examples:

Sharing: I’m struggling in my marriage. Vulnerability: Our shouting woke up the kids last night.

Sharing: I’m really stressed out at work. Vulnerability: I’m taking pills to fall asleep because otherwise I can’t settle down.

Sharing: I’m struggling with passion in my walk with God. Vulnerability: Ever since I read that book, I’m starting to think that this whole faith is maybe a fiction.

Sharing: My wife and I are going through a rough patch. Vulnerability: I’m flirting with a colleague on a text chain.

What’s the difference between these examples? What do you notice? Sharing gives surface level info. It feels like sharing because it’s personal. But vulnerability gives specificity to the situation. Vulnerability invites someone deeper in, it shares details about what is going on. It shares the heart behind the facts. Keep that in mind as you think about vulnerability, it’s not just sharing something personal. Rather, it’s about getting specific with someone and letting them into your heart and mind. Vulnerability builds friendships.