A Theology of Friendship: Building a Framework

We are finally making a turn to a constructive look at friendship. We have spent many posts deconstructing our culture’s understanding of friendship, but we can’t move forward by simply picking at what is wrong with our culture. We must develop a Biblical Framework for friendship. How does the Bible invite us to build healthy friendships? There are seven pieces of the pathway to Biblical friendship: proximity, time, vulnerability, honesty, covenant, and forgiveness.

By unpacking each of these elements in some detail we can start to build a positive framework for building healthy, Biblical friendships. Let’s start with proximity. Proximity provides the platform for regular interactions that lead to deeper connections.

Proximity

We have already talked about the impact of place and geography on our relationships. There are habits that develop within relationships of regular interaction. Being in the same locale allows for more integration of individuals into our lives, into the rhythms and routines of our daily existence. You get to know someone not merely by the occasional special visit, but by the day-in-day-out interweaving of our lives.

We learn more about one another in normal versus special interactions; we see each other at their best and worst. We learn the nuances of our own and their personalities through these regular interactions. The special and occasional interactions are wonderful, but the regular and routine interactions build meaningful relationships. Special occasions are fun and you certainly know things about one another through time spent like that. But you don’t have the same level of deep connection, you are missing out on whole aspects of a person’s life that way. For example, I only know about my friend’s example of parenting by watching him regularly interact with his kids. I only learn about my friend’s quirky food taste by eating lots of lunches together. Proximity enhances my ability to get an in-depth look at their personality.

Proximity allows us to make someone not just an occasional part of our lives, but a regular part of our lives. This is the soil in which meaningful friendship grows. At the simplest levels we can recognizes that proximity increases regular interaction.  Which means that we will have more frequent conversations. We will engage in more shared activities. We will share more experiences together. And that level of consistency dramatically helps to build familiarity, trust, a sense of shared history, and affection for one another. Proximity matters immensely for friendships.

Proximity also cultivates dependence. When I live near and with my friends I will more naturally turn to them when in need. When my heart is broken I will call on them and meet up. When my basement floods I will call for help. When I need a ride to the airport, a prayer, an accountability partner, a cup of sugar, I am more likely to call the person who lives nearby. I learn to depend on others because proximity creates a platform for the regular interactions that build friendship.

Do you want to build deep and meaningful friendships? Set down roots somewhere and pour into the people around you. Spend regular and frequent time together. This might be a less overtly Biblical principle than it is a natural one. It’s not, of course, that we can’t have friends who are far away. But those relationships are harder to maintain, and the distance does tend to diminish the relationship at some level. Furthermore, even those relationships didn’t start from a distance. They usually started because of proximity and only later did we move apart geographically. Friendships need proximity to build regularity, which becomes the fertile soil for deep growth.