There is a way of talking about relationships that can seem almost void of emotions. Some speak about dating as if it’s just a decision you make with no regard to how you feel about the person. You choose to love them and decide to commit to them, and regardless of what happens you act out your love. There is an aspect of that which corresponds to the Biblical description of love, as we have seen. In the Bible love is a committment to serve others, regardless of feelings. And yet, we shouldn’t completely ignore our emotions. They do play a part and we should listen to them in some respects. Dating should involve both action and affection.
The Bible is not anti-emotions. In fact the Bible speaks often about how we should express and handle our emotions. It speaks to our expression of anger (Psalm 4:4; Ecc. 7:9; Matt. 5:22; Eph. 4:26), our fears and anxieties (Psalm 34:9; Psalm 46:1-2; Matt. 10:28-31; Romans 8:15; 2 Timothy 1:7; Heb. 13:6) and even joy (Psalm 5:11; Psalm 32:11; Prov. 10:28; Phil. 4:4; 1 Thess. 5:16). In fact in many verses we are commanded to express certain emotions. The Bible does not neglect this discussion, it speaks frankly and even challenges how we feel. God deems emotions important, then, not as if they are unnecessary.
The problem we run into is that our emotions are affected by the Fall. Our emotions can deceive us, lead us into sin, help us to justify sin, or simply lead us to draw wrong conclusions. We must be careful about how we use and evaluate our emotions. They can be good, but they can also be dangerous. How do we do this?
Jon Bloom offered a helpful offered us a helpful guide in a recent article at Desiring God when he said that “Your emotions are a gauge not a guide.” So Bloom wrote:
God designed your emotions to be gauges, not guides. They’re meant to report to you, not dictate you. The pattern of your emotions (not every caffeine-induced or sleep-deprived one!) will give you a reading on where your hope is because they are wired into what you believe and value — and how much. That’s why emotions like delight (Psalm 37:4), affection (Romans 12:10), fear (Luke 12:5), anger (Psalm 37:8), joy (Psalm 5:11), etc., are so important in the Bible. They reveal what your heart loves, trusts, and fears. At Desiring God we like to say pleasure is the measure of your treasure, because the emotion of pleasure is a gauge that tells you what you love.
This distinction (gauges not guides) is important when we begin to examine the role of emotions in our relationships.
As you think about how you feel about your partner it’s important to pause and ask questions. What is about them that you like? Why do you like it? If things changed what would that mean to you? Is you interest in them purely physical attraction? Is it rooted in their personality, spirituality, or money? Ask questions. Let your emotions function as a gauge on where your heart is directed. Ask questions of your emotions and evaluate them based on those answers. Emotions can be wrong, so be careful.
If you find that you don’t have any real affection for this person as a person then maybe you don’t need to be with them. It’s not that you will always feel “loving” towards them. There are seasons of frustration, disappointment, even boredom in long-term relationships. But if at the foundation of your relationship you have no real affection for them then this is probably not a good relationship for you. Emotions are not the most important thing, but, as we have seen, they’re not completely unimportant. If you can’t pinpoint why you have chosen to love this person over all the other available men or women then perhaps you should evaluate what you’re doing. Why are you in this relationship?
Emotions do matter. Good, godly, and healthy relationships involve both action and affection. Yes you must decide to love someone, and loving them is not about how you feel it’s about what you do to serve them. But at the heart there should be some specific reason why you have chosen to love this person over all the other potential partners. At the heart of healthy relationships you will find both action and affection.
Sparrow & Heart Soul Care 